A Major Cause of Tantrums
by James C. Talbot

Childhood tantrums most commonly result from negative interaction initiated by the parent toward the child. I don't think anyone would disagree with that statement. The difficulty that so many parents have in dealing with this behavior stems from a lack of understanding as to how and why this seemingly mysterious behavior occurs. What I've discovered as a potentially eye-opening way for some parents to gain a greater understanding and empathy toward this behavior in children involves starting-out by first taking a brief look at our own behavior. I'm still sometimes surprised at the number of parents I encounter who appear to be under the impression that children are born as beings from an unknown species that behave in completely non-human and entirely alien ways.

Having said that, it helps if it can be agreed upon from the outset that adults and children share the same human emotions; the only difference is the level of understanding that comes with maturity. Once that's settled, it then becomes possible to compare children with adults in terms of behavior marked by involuntary, uncontrolled states of emotional distress (tantrums/rages/heartbreak), while keeping in mind that young children are more susceptible to these behaviors due to being subject to high levels of frustration. This frustration can be caused by such stressors as their developmental inability to adequately express their needs, wants, and feelings on a coherently verbal level.

In doing a comparison, let's first look at the most likely reason for adults to lose control of their emotions with regard to a relationship(s). And then, let's go on to look at the factors that are most likely to cause adults to become insecure and prone to emotional outbursts with regard to a relationship/s.

Well, we all know (and have probably experienced) the uncontrollable emotions associated with heartbreak: losing the love of a significant person in our lives, or the perception that we have lost, or are losing, the love of that person. For some of us, the prospect of losing the love of a person who we love and need has been the most frightful, distressful experience of our lives.

We know full well that these situations can turn us into completely irrational emotional wrecks, prone to rages, uncontrolled crying, screaming, and other behaviors that are totally counter-productive to what we really wish. For example, we've probably all witnessed the behavior of jealous spouses who act in a way that only serves to push-away the loved one whose love they are desperately trying to keep. A most counter-productive, irrational behavior by any definition.

I illustrate this comparison because for some reason, many parents tend to overlook the fact that children are subject to the same emotional responses and perceptions as adults. As a matter of fact, given the punitive nature of most child-rearing approaches in our culture, children are even more prone to suffer the fears of insecurity in the relationship they have with their parents.

Compounding this problem is fact that young children are as yet incapable of understanding the reasons parents refuse them so many of their wishes and desires. Consequently, they are open to fearfully conclude that the parent's love for them may be in question. It might even be the case that a two year old feels that the parent's love for them no longer exists given the limited development of their logic. Unfortunately, we've long forgotten the fear and heartbreak of such moments during those early years...those moments when we became overwhelmed with emotion and lost all control.

Let me see if I can make this point a little more concretely. Let's say you are enjoying a long-awaited movie which is nearing its' climatic ending. Your spouse suddenly appears to demand that you leave the theater immediately, but the reason given for this demand makes no sense to you. Might you consider this seemingly unreasonable demand to be hurtful? You might wonder why you are being treated in such a mean and inconsiderate manner. And, if your loved one behaved in such a manner often enough, you might come to question his/her love for you. Insecurity could set-in and cause you to become even more sensitive to being treated in ways that you perceive as being unloving. You might even start to over-react with irrational, emotional outbursts at the slightest hint of 'unloving' behavior toward you.

For some reason, even though young children lack the level of our emotional maturity, parents often assume that their young child knows that they are loved regardless of how the parent interacts with them. A child hearing the words, 'I love you' is meaningless if the professed love is not being felt by the child through demonstrations and expressions of loving behavior.

Some parents even take the view that tantrums are simply a means of 'gaining control', 'manipulation', a way of 'getting attention', or attempts to 'get their own way'. It would seem that these are parents who have apparently never witnessed a child who tried to fake a tantrum. Contrary to popular belief, kids are lousy at faking emotions. Even accomplished veteran actors will say that portraying a complete loss of emotional control is one of the most difficult acting challenges to successfully achieve in a convincing manner.

Some will attribute tantrums to 'bottled-up emotions'. This could be true if the child has developed a fear of openly expressing their emotions because of experiencing previous negative consequences for openly expressing their emotions. This can cause the child to subsequently suppress those emotions. When parents discourage their children from openly expressing certain emotions (most notably anger) the child becomes prone to 'emotional build-up' until that suppressed anger explodes in an uncontrolled tantrum/rage. Consequently, when parents punish a child for expressions of anger, they are exacerbating the problem by increasing the child's susceptibility to tantrums.

Others might point to frustration as a cause of tantrums but, when the parent is the source of the frustration, it is very often the case that the child feels that she/he is being treated in an 'unloving', or 'rejecting' manner. It's a frustration that can build in a child through having wishes and desires repeatedly thwarted or denied in a demanding, strident, or harsh fashion.

Additional commonly mentioned causes for tantrums are over-tiredness, hunger, feeling poorly, or outside stresses. Truth is, when it comes to tantrums resulting from parental interaction, the above-mentioned circumstances only serve to make the child more prone to feeling hurt and unloved.

It's important to keep in mind that it is insecure children who are most susceptible to frequent tantrums related to parental interaction. If childhood tantrums are being caused as the result of a parent interacting with their child in a way that may be perceived by the child to be unloving, then punishing the child's tantrum runs a risk of exacerbating the problem.

We can all improve our parenting skills through greater understanding.

James C. Talbot