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Featured Article: Punishment > Insecurity > Anger Anger can be a by-product of insecurity if the insecurity (a form of fear) has not reduced the child to the point of succumbing to a state of broken-willed subjugation. There is also another crucial factor that can be added to the above equation. Punishment > Low Self-Esteem/Insecurity > Anger I believe few of us need laboratory proof to agree that low self-esteem and insecurity can be associated with states of anger. We've all observed this association throughout our lives. Insecurity is a fear associated with self-worth, and fear is highly prone to trigger feelings of anger. We all know the experience of feeling anger, but I'm referring to a generalized angry demeanor, or a proneness to react with anger and resentment. With children, I believe a general state of anger, resentment, and hostility begins with a failure on the part of parents/caretakers to sufficiently meet their emotional needs. Because we come into this world as social beings, the most primary of these emotional needs in children involves a sense of being loved and accepted. The adequate satisfaction of these emotional needs are not a state of mind in children that parents can simply assume as a given because whether or not these needs are being met is dependent on the child's perception, not the parent's. If the child perceives that they are unloved, or have lost the love of the parent as a result of being treated in an unloving manner, parents may not be successful in convincing them otherwise; in the present, or perhaps even in the future. If children feel unloved, they also feel unworthy and inadequate, with no reason to develop a confidence in their capabilities, or in their worth as a person. Feelings of insecurity turn their world into a fearful place to live. They might become hypersensitive to perceived rejection, and other perceived indicators of their unworthiness. These exaggerated perceived threats to the child's well being (e.g., parental refusals/restrictions) are highly prone to giving way to anger as a response. Tantrums in these circumstances are an excellent example of this fear reaction being expressed in the form of anger. The anger stems from fear and frustration, as all anger does under such circumstances. Children, as we all do, experience anger when their sense of well-being is threatened.... unless they reach a point in time when they finally succumb to the fear, and become broken in spirit...at which time they surrender themselves to the 'slave mentality'.... the humble servant who nervously bows in subjugation hoping to avoid more physical pain, harsh disapproval, and rejection. In this regard, it's easy to see how expressions of anger from children should be reacted to with immediate concern and consternation. We should not react with more anger and punishment (if we feel hurt by expressions of anger toward us, we should immediately communicate our hurt/sorrow rather than letting the hurt transform into anger, which can then lead us to a desire for retribution). Are there appropriate ways to express anger? I don't know if such a thing exists. We either express the anger or we suppress it. We spend a lifetime learning when and how we should express our anger...to no avail. When we express our anger we might hurt others, but when we suppress our anger we hurt ourselves. It's best to avoid the causes of anger to begin with. As I've indicated, they emotional pain that can be caused to the child as the result of negative interaction can trigger feelings of anger. After all, anger tends to do nothing more than to leave us pathetically irrational. This is especially true where children are concerned. Finally, we should be ever mindful of the fact that a happy child is not an angry child. James C. Talbot |
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The
Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From
Birth to Age Ten
